Pre Hike 10 April 2018

 

I’ve been in Ohio for 2 days.   And I am still not settled.  My mind is still thinking about the past week and the final moments leaving New York City.   I have so much work to do these next 24 days before I depart for San Diego.   I don’t really have time to dwell on the fact that I now have no employment, no apartment to come home to each night, no more income.   Yet those thoughts are lingering in my mind with a kind of frantic rush that is momentarily sending me into clouds of disheveled panic.  What have I done?  Really, what have I done?!

Last Saturday, I went to the gym but I decided I didn’t have time to take dance class.  And I do regret not being able to say goodbye to June and my friends who I have danced with in class for many years.  There is a special bond between dancers as they share in the group experience of taking class.   We see each other struggling with phrase material and technical requirements.   We exalt in the accomplishments.  We share in the thrill of going across the floor in unison, feeding off of the energy and phrasing that carries us across the space.   I love those moments when you make it across the floor and you commiserate with fellow dancers about how challenging certain moments are to execute or you question the counts or the position of the arms.   No matter what is happening in my life, when I take dance class, my mind is focused on only one thing – dancing.  Everything else dissolves like fine mist that evaporates from piercing rays of warm new sunlight.   It’s breathtaking to experience that kind of immense devotion and concentration.   I love dance class.  I just love it. 

The rest of Saturday was spent packing and packing and then more frantic packing.  I realized that I had underestimated not only the amount of time needed but how much I had yet to pack that final day.   My good friend Jennifer texted me.  She said I had to eat and suggested an early dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in Bushwick Brooklyn.   And it was really perfect seeing her for dinner.  And then another goodbye.   Am I good at this yet?  Do I know the right things to say by now?  

On Sunday, I woke up early and packed up final items.  Then I picked up the  rented SUV and with the assistance of a hire from Task Rabbit, I packed everything as securely as possible.   I did a final clean with the vacuum.  I took out the last of refuse.  I stood silently in the empty space that had been my home for the past two years.   I was already behind schedule.  I had no time to contemplate the months upon months of lived experiences.  As I had predicted, I gave a final hovering  glance over the space and then I simply shut the door, turned in my keys to the landlord and with as much courage as I could muster, started the SUV and made my way out of New York City.  And I don’t know when or if I will return.

I made it all the way to the Buckhorn area of Pennsylvania 4 hours into my drive.   And then the flood of memories from the past 28 years overwhelmed me and I could no longer hold back the sweeping tide of tears.  It was a gracious moment.  It was gratitude mixed with tinges of deep longing for those moments that had come to define my present.   I am who I am today because of the experience of living a life in New York City.   And I will carry these bountiful, thrilling scenes from my life onward into the vastness of the future.  

So I am in Ohio.  And now I can only focus on what is to come – the PCT.   The Pacific Crest Trail.  I will be feeling the Southern California ground beneath my feet in four weeks.   And the fear of being unemployed and without a stable home will hopefully vanish and be replaced by fulfilling a challenging dream of walking from a border to border on the Pacific Crest of the United States.   And finding more gracious moments to harbor for the rest of my life. 

Ohio.  Holmes  County OH