Third Day Southern California. 9 May 2018

Last night I fell asleep around 8pm.  Having my body lying down in my sleeping bag atop my sleeping mattress provided me with the comfort that I was seeking.  My tent enclosed me in the vast space of the campground which was nestled in a valley of steep hills.   I closed my eyes and let myself quietly drift into sleep.  I hadn’t eaten dinner and I thought about how I was going to get through the next day.  But for now, sleep would hopefully provide the nourishment I needed.  I awoke around 1:30am and quietly got out of my tent.  I took in the night with the brilliant stars shining far away in the darkened sky.   I stepped away among the twigs and dried leaves on the ground, adding my own night noises to the mix that had put me to sleep.   After peeing, I returned to my tent and climbed into the sleeping bag and let myself once again drift away while trying to ignore the scrapping sounds of some night animal digging nearby.

And then it was morning - 4:30am.  And I knew that I had to start breaking camp and begin hiking before the heat once again tried to stifle my spirit.  I let out the air in my sleeping pad and quickly packed away the gear.  I made a quick breakfast of oatmeal and coffee with a breakfast bar.  I wasn’t hungry but I knew I had to eat. I knew that I needed fuel to get me through the day’s hike.  I had decided that I would only do 8 miles to Mount Laguna and then decide if I wanted to spend the night at the lodge or just resupply in the general store and hike a few more miles.   

But of course I had to hike out of Cibbets campground which involved almost a mile of walking uphill on a dirt road to meet the PCT trail. With confidence I quickly found the PCT and began the 8 mile trek to Mount Laguna.   The trail was mostly uphill for this section as the PCT continued to climb into the Mount Laguna Mountains.  I was soon sweating and uncomfortably hot.  There was very little shade among this stretch.  I knew that there was a water source 4 miles away so I was only carrying 2 liters.  I made sure that I was keeping myself hydrated.   But I was hiking alone and a loneliness began to creep in.  I looked out across the wide panorama of mountains rising over hills creating small valleys and canyons.   The chapperallle growing from the dry earth blended into a steady covering of light green dots.  The wind was absent and the heat made the air thick and pale and dry.   I waited in the silence for my breath to still, for my heart to stop racing and my will to forge ahead and rise to the surface of everything I was feeling.   Where were the others? How could I have missed them in the past 2 days?  

I heard someone behind me and then a male hiker approached.   His name was Sasquatch.   He too was hiking alone.  He had a full beard and a wide smile.  It was nice to see a fellow hiker for a brief moment.   And then he went on ahead of me and disappeared around the bend leaving me alone again.

After what seemed like hours of climbing, I checked the Guthook App to see my location and realized that I only had completed 2 miles of the 8 miles to make it to Mount Laguna.   I would have to do better to make it before the afternoon heat.

I came to a clearing which provided a bit of shade.  I decided to break and took off my pack.   And then I felt the urge to be sick and suddenly I was heaving on the side of the trail bringing up the morning’s food and water.   Not good.   

Now I am beginning to wonder if I will even make it to Mount Laguna.   After the 17 or 18 miles from yesterday, 8 should be no problem.  But I knew that I was feeling the effects of heat exhaustion mixed with dehydration.   If I could just get to Mount Laguna, I could take a day off and rest and hopefully recover.  

I hiked on.  And on some more.   I was coming close to the next water source where I met up with 2 new hikers.  They were.also refilling their water bottles.   After they were done, I walked down the embankment to the small stream with the cold runnning water.  I fillled one of my filtering water bladders and dumped the cold wet over my head providing a lovely cold relief.   Then I filled the bag again and filtered the water into my water bottles.  

And then I was on the side of the trail heaving into the brush.   I couldn’t; keep water down.  My mouth was so dry I could barely swallow.  So I began to just rinse my mouth with water and then spit it out to at least keep my mouth moist.  Time to hike on.  Time to get to Mount Laguna and lie down. 

And of course the next section of the trail was all uphill winding through switchbacks.  Again I checked Guthooks to see how far I had to hike to reach Mount Laguna.   4 miles.   But in 2.2 miles I would come to a small dirt road.  I began to think of that landmark as a place I could get off trail in case I couldn’t make it out.   I hiked on with that thought in my mind providing me with the stimulus to keep going.

I sat down numerous times in the next hour.  I put my head in my hands and wondered why I had decided to hike today.  Why I had decided to even attempt to hike this trail.   I was not enjoying this experience.   Hiking for me had always been tough but incrediblly rewarding and filled with rich moments.   For the PCT, I was lonely, hot, incredibly thirsty and uninspired by the landscapes.   I needed something profound to change my experience.   I chose to do this hike.  I wanted to have this experience in my life.   And I wasn’t ready to give up.  

I managed to get to the dirt road.  And then I knew that I could not go on.   I lay in the tall grass under lose branches that swayed overhead.  I was now in a small forest that was filled with pine trees and fallen branches.   And I lay there.  And I breathed.  I let the ants crawl over me.  And I wanted to be away from this place.

I thought about hiking on the 1.7 miles to Mount Laguna.   I did try to rally and get up.  And I should have forced myself.  But instead I called for help because I didn’t trust myself in this situation to be able to make it.   And I so desperately wanted to make it.  I wanted to energe at Mount Laguna and see my fellow hikers and smile and laugh and feel that I belonged on the trail.  

But I called for help and was soon being driven to the Lodge.   I missed 1.7 miles which I would have to go back and make up.  But for now all I wanted was a room to take a shower and be clean and then rest till I felt like I could drink and eat again. 

After I showered and drank some Gatorade in small sips, I did see Ro, Kevin and Huge.  They were preparing to leave after having just resupplied.   They were happy to see me and I felt inspired to hike on.  But not today.  I needed to take a Nero and rest and recover.   

As I lay in the hot room at the lodge (no AC!) I began to reflect on my rookie mistakes on the trail thus far.   I started out too fast and tried to hike too many miles too soon.  I didn’t listen to my body and understand how the constant heat would affect me.  I tried to keep up with a crew that was able to hike faster and further than me.   But through it all, I remained as strong as I could be.   I did breakdown.  I did cry.  But those moments existed because I care so much about this trail and this experience and how it intersects with my life in this time.   I am not weak.  I am not afraid.  But in this situation, I am not sure I am able to hike in these elements.   I awake  each morning dreading the piercing sun and the melting heat.   I want to love this experience.   I am hoping that after a night’s rest off the trail, tomorrow will provide answers.   But for now - I will rest. I will replenish.  I will rethink my strategy.  I will slow down and listen.   I will listen to the honor of the trail, the reverence and respect.  And I will listen to my own voice.  Because this is the voice that brought me here.   And this is the voice that will guide me forward on this adventure wherever it may lead.    /