Pre Hike 25 March 2018

In less than two weeks, I will be in rural Ohio to finalize my preparations for the PCT.   As I continue to pack and refine my gear, I find my mind drifting toward nostalgia as I prepare to depart the city I have lived in for over 25 years.   Oh those early years when I was in my 20’s and the city was captivating and both glorious with monumental beauty juxtaposed with grit and  rough edges.   My mind travels to each neighborhood where I had an apartment – like Hell’s Kitchen in a 2 room studio I shared with someone I barely knew but who become a beacon of thrilling light in my life; the walk up on East Houston Street between Avenue A and B where drugs were sold on the corner and my roommate had to walk through my room to get to hers; the tiny 3 rooms on East 4th Street where I was evicted for illegal subletting – moments that were awful at the time now leave me smiling with the thrill of being young and daring in the world.  But I cannot dwell on those memories.   New York City will be here.  And when I am done with my hike and if I really miss this city, then I know I can return.   I will somehow get a job, an apartment and simply slip back into the life I had pre hike  - a life filled with evenings out seeing dance and art and theater, dinners at some of the most amazing restaurants with dear friends, laughter, glowing eyes and smiles and warmth, hopefully making new dances.   But also juggling frustration and anxiety as the city challenges you each day navigating through the maze of rushing commuters and delayed trains, traffic that seems to never move and blasting sirens and horns.    

I have kept a journal since 1995.  Each year has its own unique binder.   As I placed them in storage boxes I was tempted to open them and relive those memories I so carefully chose to write about so many years ago.   But there is no time.   And right now I need to be focused on the future – the very near future of my start date in May.  It’s fast approaching and I am not yet ready.

I did quit my job. I gave notice in January.  My final day is April 5th.   And I sold most of my furniture.  Movers arrive on Saturday to put my remaining belongings in storage.   I don’t regret quitting my job.   After I gave notice, I began to laugh with an almost uncontrollable energy.  It was as if the relief of knowing that I had done the right thing was manifested in my laughter.  I felt light and I could breathe in a way that was intoxicating and rich and full.  

And my lease ends in April and I did not renew. 

So I set in motion the determined choices that would bring me closer to the PCT.  And after a while, there was no turning back.   And I am so relieved.